“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts,” William Shakespeare
As I stand at the Victoria Harbour, looking over the night lights of Hong Kong’s skyscrapers, there is a feeling that was never present before. It exist independent of source and is beyond description; perhaps existential, but there is no doubt that it, is here.
It is going to be better. You can sort of tell these things.
When she turned and walked down the corridor from what was once considered home, I get a sinking feeling that this is our exit, this is how it ends. I stood, in disbelief on how quickly everything changed in the past few weeks, and balk at the reality of what is and what is not.
As I close the door behind me, an emotional tidal wave began to surge towards the shore, and I was overpowered within seconds. I was, as Adele had sung, rolling in the deep. But it didn’t felt much like rolling to be honest; it felt a lot like free falling.
Engulfed by all of the emotions that any broken hearted person could comprehend, I fell. And the pain came in two fold – abandonment and error in judgement.
In truth, I had played both roles – the one who left, and the one who got leave behind. And I know that it is easier for he who walks away and he who is left behind. The difficult part for those who leaves is breaking the news and toughing out the drama that would ensue.
It is simply easier to walk way because when we choose to, we either have someone else physically present to cushion the blow or the idea of that someone existing in our head. Then, all we have to do is to cling on to that someone or the idea of that someone and tell ourselves that this relationship is simply not right.
Our demeanour towards our respective ex-partner changes in light of this belief that we hold. We see their pointless struggle and suffering as a sign of absence from truth. We believe if they see what we see, they would agree themselves that the relationship is doomed to begin with. And if they don’t see it now, they will soon enough after all the tears had dried up.
That was the reality that I held since emerging from the first relationship, and it did well to keep me on both my feet. Going into the second relationship, I had thought if past mistakes were prevented and circumvented, things would be different. But as she walks further and further away, so does my belief began to crumble and fall. For those who are abandoned, our reality disintegrates.
All that we have known, or thought we knew, becomes flawed. We are left without an alternate person to cling on, much less the thought of an idea him or her. Suddenly, there is an emptiness that exists and we have no alternatives or substitute to fill the void. And although all signs were present, we do not see it coming; as it should with scientific method, which only works, at best, on hindsight.
We usually shun and deny our pain, disregard of its sources. We tell ourselves that these feelings are illogical, and that we are stronger than this. To counter the surge of emotional turmoil, we busy ourselves with work, friends and entertainment in attempt to shut ourselves away from ever needing to face our emotions. We screwed up; that was it and we’re moving on. We tell ourselves that there is no need to cry over spilled milk,
But as I came to the realisation that Saint Augustine was wrong to say that error is a serious deviation from the truth of God and thus should be eliminated, I started living. To err is to be human, and to deny ourselves the chance to fuck up, is to deny ourselves of our own existence.
So I allowed myself an indefinite period of feeling whatever that comes my way – anguish, sadness, anger, vengeance, etc. I went on an emotional rollercoaster, and in tandem with the actual rollercoaster ride, the journey is both intense and short.
In between drifting in and out from the consciousness, I was constantly searching for the truth. Something went awry in the way I had quantify reality, and the curious nature in me compelled me to find answers. I came to the conclusion that the real reason behind any end of a relationship is because conditional love was not unconditional.
If by conditional reasons that we are in love, any shift from a person beyond the conditions or any shift of condition would immediately invalidate any feeling we have for a person.
To be in love conditionally, is saying that I am in love with the idea of you that is projected from me. It is a love that last only ever so briefly, and it is one that is not real. For I have found the essence of love stem not from the similarities that we share, but the peace found in the differences that divides us.
So I ask the question: “How can I be sad for something that was neither lost nor gone, but never was?” And I wonder at how logical the statement seems to me and yet failing to absolve me of the pain that I feel. The idiosyncratic nature of human nature seems inherent indeed.
It turns out, there is only so much tears that we have for any circumstances in life. As I free fall, safely unto the ground, the reality that had the appearance of being disintegrated is nothing but a fragment of my imagination. Reality has always been here, it is and always just is. One can’t help but marvel at the wonders of it all.
Every now and then, a relationship begins while another ends. But as it would happen, both the end and beginning are so closely linked together that it starts to merge and becomes inseparable resulting the beginning starts at the end, while the end starts at where it begins.
As I sit here, finishing this entry, it had been better since the day I stood in the path of the winter’s wind in Victoria Harbour. It is still present and I guess it always would.